Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
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[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Found my door mat
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Aaaa…CHOO!