Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
You Might Also Like
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.