it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
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Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks