*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
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[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.