9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
You Might Also Like
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?