Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
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me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard