lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
You Might Also Like
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
The Punning Dead.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I feel attacked.