Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My dog learned how to text
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.