My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
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I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
shit just got real
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.