what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
You Might Also Like
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there