Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Who’s your best friend?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Otters drive ottermobiles.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.