I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
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Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.