I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Catering service
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
What?!?
the council will decide your fate
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.