waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Tremendous stuff
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Comparing yourself to others
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.