Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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Breaking news:
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
first you must answer his riddles
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.