[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
You Might Also Like
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
She was rare, like a goth jogging
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.