“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
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I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Lmao
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”