I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
dude it’s called proctologist
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave