My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
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BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently