I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?