Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Good morning!
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
#Caturday
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog