What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
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May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.