“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want