Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Never ghost your hitman.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Every work meeting this week
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.