Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Lol.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.