“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
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My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
what the
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you