I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
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I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
#merica
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists