If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
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Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.