[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Breaking news:
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.