5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
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A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I think the cat got the dog high.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
#Caturday
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me: