My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.