One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
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[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Miscakes
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day