Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
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My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese