I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
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Cats (2019)
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Time for evil
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.