Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Oh thanks BBC.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?