You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
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I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
shit, they caught us—run!!!
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.