you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
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saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there