What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
life finds a way
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.