Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
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[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Just me and my debit card against the world