A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
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ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Hmm, not sure about this change
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
🙀🙀🙀😹
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”