[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
incredible
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.