Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
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3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*