Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development