[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
You Might Also Like
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.