Bring back the McRib
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International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D