The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
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bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
i want to work in this restaurant
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night