[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died