TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
You Might Also Like
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Bring back the McRib
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos