“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen