YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Don’t talk down to me
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.